Mr. Big critiques Pyrepower's plan

By request, I am going to seriously address the recent posts from Pyrepower about hero capture. Disregarding her highly questionable motives for engaging in such activities, let's review the important points that the caper highlights:

1. Knowledge. Her target was analyzed for weaknesses (like breathing) and those weaknesses were exploited.
2. Motivation. In "Full Metal Jacket", Gunnery Sergeant Hartman points out what "one motivated Marine and his rifle can do". The trap was laid and sprung with precision.
3. Completeness. From baiting the trap in multiple ways, to springing it, to following up, every phase of the plan was accounted for.

That said: yes, the plan was amateurish overall. But you know what? She baited the hook for two amateur heroes. She's playing at the level she's at, and knows her limits.

That was the good news. Here's some further commentary.

Fire vs. speedsters. Hurricane Hal did a very nice guest spot awhile back, and talked about the slipstream that speedsters can manipulate. Being able to ignite your whole body on fire, especially in an enclosed space, is a great counter not just against being attacked, but against someone who breathes. If necessary, Pyrepower could quickly overwhelm any oxygen-dependent speedster. But she should absolutely know beforehand if her opponent needs to breathe.

That said, you can still pit your control over fire against their control over the slipstream. If you win, they're going to painfully burn their hands if they attack you. This is a risky thing to gamble on, and you shouldn't count on it as Plan A. In this case, she didn't, but she might have.

The necessity of a custom pit trap. Digging a new trap was probably a waste of time, if a suitable candidate location could have been found. Maybe one was searched for, maybe not. Maybe digging it was just an exercise in power control. But being able to control the location of your caper - and just as importantly preventing a search of "likely locations" by the authorities - is itself a smart move.

The expendability of lairs. Pyrepower's personal lair should now be considered compromised, and I hope she fully realizes that. Any hero she takes there should be assumed to be wearing a transmitter, recorder, or similar equipment. Even if they're unconscious, or there's radio jamming in place, the technology exists to narrow down the location enough that a determined search could find it within a day or so.

Well that was unpredictable

I think this'll be the last word in this particular saga, but it's a good one. Here's Kid Cumulus, the Canadian hero, who has better information sources than I gave him credit for.

To the Beautiful Bomber, and to Dice:

I'll have both skyjackers in jail  before Christmas, wrapped up in a bow for the authorities.

To Mr. Big:

I've been reading your guide with interest. Thanks for the tips. A lot of what you've said is helpful for us heroes as well. Keep up the good work.

So there's that. I think we're all looking forward to Christmas with interest.

 

 

Well that was predictable

The original skyjacking caper and its critique attracted some attention. Long story short, it sounds like there's a villain face-off.

The original poster, who I identified as "Aerial Albertan", is of course none other than the Beautiful Bomber of Edmonton. Several of you checked the news from last year and did indeed spot the stories of similar skyjacking routines. She was captured by Kid Cumulus but managed to escape.

The follow-up comments were posted anonymously by request, but that villain has voluntarily outed himself as Dice, a veteran of the community since the 1980's. BB basically called Dice out and suggested a competition: both of them will pick a flight, and whoever brings down more actual dollars (Canadian) "wins". I'm not sure what she thinks is at stake here, but I'm doing my part as neutral party to publicize the competition as requested.

Dice made the rather pointed suggestion that waiting until a week before Christmas will yield an objectively more profitable caper, no matter which plane you pick. I think this threw a monkey wrench into BB's hope of some fast publicity, but she agreed. I personally believe she's going to use this time to refine her original caper idea, and I hope she does - not because it's necessarily bad, but because I believe in excellence and improvement.

So good luck to both Dice & Beautiful Bomber, and good luck to any civilians on the planes they pick.

Another villain's thoughts on skyjacking

Another villain wrote in to comment on the skyjacking caper from yesterday. Here's the remarks, with some editing.

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The midair heist described earlier has several flaws. I will analyze the objectives of the heist, the problems the heist attempts to solve, the flaws in the heist, and solutions to those flaws which satisfy  the original objectives.

The objectives:

1. Secure the contents of an airliner with minimal risk of interception by law enforcement.
2. Minimize the ability of law enforcement to pursue you.

The problems it tries to solve:

1. The villain doesn't have to make it through the security checkpoint at the airport.
2. Minimize risk to the civilians and crew on the airliner.
3. Mitigate risks to one's henchmen.
4. Minimize property damage for the airline.

While admirable, points 2 and 3 aren't necessary if you don't take the approach detailed in the original caper. Point 4 is entirely unstated, but implicit in the caper - you safely land the airliner in an airport, allowing it to be recovered for reuse.

The flaws in the caper:

1. Catching up with the airliner in flight is entirely unnecessary and risky.
2. You spend a tremendous amount of time on the ground. Your henchmen are loading cargo onto trucks. You can increase speed and risk at a linear rate: add more henchmen. You are more vulnerable to leaks and logistical difficulties with more men. Either way, you are exposed at your weakest moment.
3. The airliner itself is expendable for your purposes, but your caper ignores that fact.

The solutions to these flaws:

The biggest obstacle to any sort of caper is the disposition of the crew and passengers. This obstacle has two obvious solutions:

1. Kill the passengers. This is generally not acceptable supervillain protocol.
2. Hijack planes that aren't carrying passengers.

I hate to be the one to point this out, but many planes carry valuable cargo and no passengers. UPS, FedEx, and Emirates SkyCargo are the biggest shippers today. You should be able to obtain their schedules with a minimum of effort. Remember also that passengers are dead weight for your purposes. Passenger aircraft are unlikely to carry property significantly more profitable than cargo aircraft, unless you know of a particularly rich passenger on board. In that case, your caper is a theft or kidnapping from an airplane, and not the one described.

Sneaking onto an airplane isn't tremendously difficult while it's on the ground. If you lack any sort of stealth, but you can survive flight at high altitudes, stow yourself in a container and just ship yourself aboard the flight you want to hit. In these cases you avoid depressurizing the cabin in flight.

The heist faces another challenge: fend off law enforcement while unloading the plane. This is a problem because air traffic control is capable of tracking your plane on radar while it's in flight. Most supervillains are not pilot enough to avoid this, but you can crash the plane in a desert or underwater or any number of other places where law enforcement can't effectively reach you in time. Remember, you don't care about the state of the plane if you're after its cargo. You need only provide a way to get the cargo away from your crash site, which I concede will be more difficult in less accessible crash sites. That said, law enforcement will face the same difficulty of access that you do, and you have the advantage of foreknowledge.

Pick a crash site within range of the plane. A Boeing 757F's range is about 1900 miles, and other cargo planes have a similar range.

You must evacuate the crew before crashing the plane, either by giving them parachutes (they will have some on board anyway) or by using your own flying powers (remember that having these powers was a prerequisite for the original caper).

The economics of the caper:

An airliner is not a cheap thing. A Boeing 757F's unit cost ranges from $65 million to $80 million according to public records. That same plane is rated for 60,000 pounds of cargo. The value of that cargo is highly variable, but in general it must be fully loaded and carry cargo worth $1000 per pound on average to be worth the airplane. You are unlikely to get the full value of the plane because shipping companies amortize the value of the plane over time. That said, simply holding the jet itself hostage would be a very viable caper, assuming you can safely receive the ransom payment.

Skyjacking and the flying villain

"Aerial Albertan" talks about some of her recent capers:

You want a captive audience, many with money and valuables in their possession? You want a sky-heist. This is basically aircraft hijacking without being aboard at the time. It's logistically demanding. 

Requirements: first, if you cannot fly as fast as an airliner, do not do this. Top speed here is about 900 kph, at an altitude of 9000 meters. This is fast and cold and can be uncomfortable if you are not a fully adapted flier. Test yourself out first.

You will also want a ground team, and one or more large trucks - one person at minimum to drive each truck. You can also use a refurbished school bus if you remove the seats. These are often available cheaply, but you can steal one if you wish.

Planning: You begin by picking a flight. This can be anything, of course, but you should prefer flights to or from your area, and flights on days around major business events. For example, the day before a major industry holds its conference in your town. The airlines will publish their flights days in advance.

You will also need to pick an airport where you will set down. This is where your ground team will meet you. Have them find a good place to park the trucks off the roadway where they will not attract suspicion, until you are ready for them.

Do research on how to properly enter the plane. Try not to enter via the cabin doors. This will unseal the cabin and cause a lot of panic, which is good because you don't want people to immediately respond to your presence. However, the drop in cabin pressure cannot be allowed to remain, so you will need to re-seal the door after boarding. You should prefer using one of the cargo doors.

Execution: Get in position to track your chosen flight's takeoff, then come after it. After about 15 minutes, the plane should have achieved its proper altitude and cruising speed. Your objective will be to board the plane without disrupting its ability to stay aloft. Your goal is theft, not murder. Open the door you chose, like a cargo door, then make your way into the cabin.

Announce yourself and your intention. Inform the cabin crew that they should keep the passengers calm and quiet, and that nobody will be hurt if they comply. At this time, you should also mentally pick out a couple of hostage candidates. Don't take them hostage yet, but just remember where they are and how to get to them. You prefer women and children, but not babies, for the sympathy factor.

At this time, go forward to the cabin. The pilot and copilot will have long since become aware of your presence, and will probably have radioed in to let the authorities know. This is fine, detection is unavoidable. What you can't let them find out is your chosen ground base. To that end, you want to destroy the radio and the transponder - they are normally right next to each other. 

 Give the crew your new destination, then head back into the cabin. Start confiscating cell phones. Assume that everyone has a cell phone, and demand it from them. Make examples of those who claim not to have one, but don't be violent. Your goal is to prevent passengers from calling the authorities independently for as long as possible.

After a few times of this, I modified my strategy a bit. I would bring along garbage bags or sacks, and demand that passengers throw their wallets or purses into the bags. If the plane were to be intercepted, I personally could still fly away having made something for my trouble. 

Once on the ground, your goal is to unload the plane as rapidly as possible. Passengers should form a bucket brigade in the aisle, passing bags from overhead storage and under the seats to the rear of the plane. Have a truck ready to be loaded with these bags. Your other support crew will be loading from the cargo compartment of the plane.

Exit Strategy: This caper can go wrong at several points. In the most ideal case (your trucks leave the scene unmolested), have them take different routes. You can re-converge at a second agreed-upon meeting place to unload. 

If the law finds your landing site, simply fly away - your ground crew should try to drive off separately, and hope for the best. If you have powers that can hinder the police pursuit, stay around long enough to do this, then leave.

I've found that passengers start getting uncooperative at the time you land. They start thinking they have a chance, that rescue is a possibility, and that resistance is viable. I found that taking their cell phones early helps to demoralize them on this front. If they feel like there is no hope of contacting the law, they may not be so ready to resist. Nevertheless, make quick and efficient examples of any passengers who don't cooperate.

Individual plans will be more detailed than this (but she also calls out the research you need to do), so all in all I think this is a great caper. Thanks, AA, and happy flying!

How to take over the world, ocean style

After writing about taking over the world, several of you wrote in with a suggestion for how to deal with the world's largest powers. I want to summarize the various points made.

Like I said in my post about super-swimming, Earth is 70% water, but the interesting things happen on the other 30%. That said, it's not like it's empty. For example, here's a short list of things which we've dredged up from the sea.

• A colossal squid, 43 feet long, and around 900 pounds.
• A Portuguese man-of-war, that can reach 30-150 feet with its tentacles.
• A fin whale, 80-90 feet long and weighing tons.

During World War II, the US Navy did experiments, along with the New Zealand military, into creating a "tsunami bomb" under the name Project Seal. The goal was to devastate coastal cities - which frankly is most of the important ones. Humans may not live in water, but we live near it. As Magma pointed out to me once, "there's been a city at the mouth of the Tiber for the last 10,000 years".

The program revealed that a line of explosives, about 8 megatons and 5 miles off the coast, could indeed create a tsunami. Most of the energy would be wasted hitting the continental shelf, so it was considered inefficient. But hey, you got a better idea?

The United States' Ohio-class submarines (fourteen currently active) carry Trident missiles, with eight W88 warheads. Each of these has a yield of 475 kt, so you need two such missiles to reach 8 megatons. More missiles means more explosions, and each Ohio carries 24 Trident IIs.

Remember what I was saying about giant sea monsters underwater? How hard do you think it would be for someone like Sea-czar to find and take control of an Ohio-class sub with his army of aquatic minions? The real barrier at this point is a knowledge of submarines, nuclear engineering, and hydrodynamics. But once you can do that, a single submarine lets you threaten every city in America, simultaneously, staged from depths that'd prevent anyone but the Navy from acting against you. And even they'd have a rough time.

So yeah, I'm just going to say this one more time: respect aquatic supers.

Q&A: Taking over the world edition

My observations on taking over the world (or at least a country) sparked some feedback. First, thanks for everyone who got in on the conversation.

Dr. Frogge points out: Of course any world domination scheme with a decent chance of success will be held tightly to the chest - I’m not about to release MY plans until it’s all over.

I'd expect so! Like any good caper, secrets and specifics are for you and you alone. Like anything else in this guide, my goal is to get aspiring supervillains to start thinking in certain ways about the topics important to their chosen field.

"Ambitious in Alberta" says: Between peak oil, global climate change, international unrest, and open civil war, we supervillains don't have to do anything. When the world breaks, we can come in and pick up the pieces.

Yeah - you and everyone else. I wanted to leave it implicit in the post, and I went as far as mentioning the heroes, but any world conquest plan must necessarily take your fellow supervillains into account. All it takes is for any 3-5 villains of your power level to team up and take you down, and I guarantee you there's that many for every would-be conqueror.

There, I said it. If the world falls apart, it will mean a villain civil war. Some villains will decide they liked the good life of civilization enough to protect what's left of it. Others will decide that a larger slice of this very big pie is worth a few former friends. You can bet that the long planners and clear thinkers in the villain community are looking at the scenarios you talk about and have taken plenty of steps, so if your hope is to be on the top of the food chain, you better be one of those people.

"Mexican Megalomaniac" says: Who in your opinion has come closest to world conquest, or at least world destruction?

Sore wa himitsu desu.

"Eyepatch of Power" says: Aside from the difficulties in destroying threats to your power, you sound pretty down on world conquest. What else don't you like about it?

I think running the world is the antithesis of the villain ethic. Actually keeping a world running well enough to enforce your will is a lot of work. You have to learn a lot of skills, you have to interact with a lot of people, and you're going to be tied down, making decisions, answering peoples' bullshit questions because they can't think for themselves, and just generally managing shit. You don't have time for you, because you'll be too busy.

Don't believe me? Look at before-and-after pictures of any US president, especially a two-termer. The job turns those poor bastards gray and carves deep grooves in their faces. Early in his campaign, the president who led us into Iraq (the first time) looked like your friendly grandfather. Midway through the actual war, he looked like Death warmed over. The office of the president is one of the most powerful positions on Earth, and it sucks the life out of anyone who gets close to it. Now, multiply that by 200-odd countries.

Basically, if I wanted a busy, stressful day job, I'd go get one.

How to take over a country

Since "how to take over the world" seems too lofty an ambition for any single supervillain at this time, let's talk about how to take over a country. My dog-eared copy of "The Prince" is a great book, but Machiavelli's writing style can be purple, so let me condense the important lessons down, and add a few of my own from observing people like Faduma.

Conquest of a state requires some mixture of ability, fortune, and opportunity. If this sounds like the standard of "means, motive, and opportunity" in United States criminal law, that's not accidental. Taking over power in a state is inherently an extralegal sort of thing, and it's how things got done in the United States, Israel, and the Soviet Union.

Ability here means far more than a strong super-power. It means having the skills necessary to lead large groups of people; coordinating complex plans and devise plans with sufficient contingency to cover most outcomes; successfully predicting the results of your most likely actions; and understanding the numerous perspectives that are present in any big group. If you are the sort of person who can do these things, you probably already realize it.

Fortune, these days called "luck", is just being in the right place at the right time. You can't just say "well I'll take over a country today". Circumstances have to be such that you are the best choice for that job, and that a good candidate country, with favorable political conditions, actually exists.

Opportunity means that some country exists where your particular combination of skills, powers, background, and motivation make it possible for you to step into a leadership role. Machiavelli illustrates this by saying "it was necessary to Moses that he should find the people of Israel in Egypt enslaved and oppressed by the Egyptians". You don't take over a prosperous and contented group of people. You take over a group of people who are being hard done by, and promise to fix their shitty situation. Of course, this also applies to people like Adolf Hitler - the Weimar Republic was practically begging for a man like him, and Europe collectively reaped what they had sown through the Treaty of Versailles.

So what are the ingredients for conquest?

1. You need a country where times are tough.
2. You need people who are ready and willing to listen to someone - possibly an outsider, if you aren't a native of the region.
3. You need a message - something more detailed than "I will lift you up out of bondage". Find out what their biggest problems are and find something that sounds like a solution.
4. You need a way to communicate your message to them in a way that doesn't get the existing authorities to come crush your movement.
5. You need to distribute this message and build your support to a critical mass.
6. You need a tipping point - a disaster, an assassination, something - that will force people on the fence to come down on one side or another, preferably your side.
7. You need a core group of loyal followers to pick up the pieces from your tipping point and carry forward the momentum of your new order.

Let's look at Faduma and what she's doing in Somalia. Basically, the vampire queen is repeating this process in successively larger and larger circles. First her village, then her region, and eventually the whole country. She got her family together, organized them into a paramilitary squad, and ran off bandits and thieves. She fed and sheltered anyone who came to her village for aid, turned them into lesser vampires, and used them to build a base of support. She took that program to the larger region. Today she's helping deal with larger issues like qat addiction and land degradation due to poor agricultural practices.

Her people are her family, friends, and fellow Somalians, so she's got an advantage there. Her message is one of loyalty and independence. She's used targeted assassinations and vampiric conversion to great effect when dealing with the opposition. While some think that she's crazy for attacking UN troops instead of making nice to receive UN humanitarian benefits, rejecting outside aid actually raises her esteem in the locals' eyes (for complex cultural reasons). While it does mean some extra suffering, it basically solidifies her control over her people.

She is very strict on thieves - no matter who stole from who. That said, she is perfectly fine with claiming the spoils of war from anyone who attacks her, and has amassed a decent fortune in doing so. She's been using this to buy arms on the international black market. Rather than enriching herself, she's treating such income more like a long-term investment, so clearly she has a bigger vision than just making herself feel good.

Ultimately, whether Faduma becomes Somalia's ruler or not, she's got what it takes to do the job. Her example is one that I'd recommend to any aspiring super-conqueror.

Laundering money for supervillains

Today we're going to talk about money laundering. This shouldn't normally be necessary if you followed my earlier advice - steal what you actually want, rather than the money you need to pay for it - but sometimes this simply isn't possible. For example, maybe people you like are in need of money, and you want to give it to them. Robin Hood and the Blues Brothers are great villainous role models for this scenario.

Before we talk about the how, let's talk about what it is, and why you care.

The basics

Money laundering is the exchange of "tainted" money for "clean" money, thus "laundering". Tainted can mean several things, from literal (the dye packs the bank put in the bag exploded, and now your Benjamins are bright purple) to figurative (the bank gave you bills with sequential serial numbers, and the cops are looking for anyone spending bills with numbers in that range). Sometimes, just the quantity is enough - if you steal $73,000 and then spend exactly that much somewhere, the cops will naturally twig to you. At no time is the actual printed currency you stole going to be the same actual printed currency you want to eventually spend.

Why do you want to launder money? If you buy something with cash that's traced back to your crime, the people you bought it from are going to be questioned, and they can probably tell the fuzz something useful - I mean, you didn't really stroll into the dealership wearing your costume and mask, did you? If you hand the money off to someone else, they become an accessory. If the recipient knows the money was stolen, they're committing an actual crime. In the United States, the threshold is five grand, and I don't know anyone who's stolen less than twice that. So you launder money to avoid legal scrutiny when it is spent.

Every technique for how to launder money involve dealing with people who already have as much money as you want to launder, and who are willing to dispose of your filthy lucre for you, so this is not a solo activity. The main question is how far you'll have to go, and how closely you'll have to interact with people.

No matter who you deal with, the general rule is: don't hand over money until you see money. If you have enough of a reputation that you know you won't get robbed, you don't need this guide. Until you get to that point, never hand over cash to someone who will come back "in a few hours" with your money.

Organized crime

There are actual criminal organizations who specialize in this sort of work, so you should always try to work with them. They'll usually take a percentage for their services, but a bank robbery takes maybe 10 hours to plan and execute, and can net 10 grand at minimum, so you're working for $1000 an hour and frankly you can afford their fee. If your villainous career doesn't put you in touch with at least a few such people, you're doing it wrong. That said, not all these guys play fair, and not all of them are competent. Sometimes you'll need to make other arrangements.

If a gangster hasn't approached you yet, be patient, and don't approach them. Crime rings without supers of their own will always make a move on you. You're the big prize, the unstoppable weapon that will let them take out their rivals, and they'll do everything they can to make you feel obligated. For purposes of laundering your ill-gotten gains, they'll frequently make offers like "services for services rendered". This basically means "we'll waive the percentage if you act as our muscle". Say no - unless you really want to work for the Mob or the Triads or whoever - and insist on a percentage. You can dick around on the exact rate if you want, but don't be an asshole. You've already told them no on their first and biggest ask, so throw them a bone on the consolation prize.

No serious outfit will ask for a flat fee, but some will ask for a minimum payment. If they ask for this a lot, it means you're not bringing enough money in to be worth their time. Either step up your game, engage them less frequently for their services, or move to someone smaller.

Gambling

Yeah yeah, I'm sure a lot of you are saying "Mr. Big, you said organized crime already!" I suggest you watch "Casino" sometime - they aren't the same, and sometimes they're actively in competition. The casinos move about sixty billion dollars a year, just in America, with another forty billion in other types of gambling. The Italian Mob, by comparison, moves around a hundred to a hundred and fifty billion per year.

The basic idea is simple: go in, buy some chips, play, win, cash out, and leave. Because the house always wins, this strategy only works with supers whose powers let them cheat at the games. If that's not you, keep looking. Just be aware: from the moment you walk in the door until the moment you walk out, and at every time in between, someone's eyes will be on you.

Up to a point, the casino loves a winner - people who see one customer win have incentive to keep playing, since they could be next. You want to achieve a 1:1 parity of money spent to money earned overall, so that the casino doesn't throw you out. Yeah, they might not be able to seriously hurt you, but avoiding confrontation is important enough to you at this stage that you have to act mortal.

You could work with a friendly casino manager, arranging to win at the games, but this is basically the same as "organized crime" above, and follows the same sort of rules. Even if they aren't friendly, they might still play ball, because at the end of the day, what the casino wants is what you have: money. The hardest part of selling them on your scheme is the idea that you'll get most of it back.

International Markets

Many supers with movement powers can get around the border very easily. I don't know how many of you have actually tried, or thought about it, but there's absolutely no need for you to go through customs. Stick your cash in a duffel bag and fly to Mexico. If you can't get there and back in under a day, though, don't bother.

Speaking the local language is vital. Spanish is the obvious choice for much of Latin America and Mexico. There's a dozen different languages if you prefer working in Asia. English will get you by in Singapore and most of Russia, but the Russians will definitely stab you in the back if given half a chance, and you won't know it's coming unless you're fluent.

In America, the banks are pretty insular. In other parts of the world, the bank is actually who you want to deal with, because they're happy to get their hands on dollars that didn't go through the US's border scrutiny. Until 2012, HSBC was a good choice. These days, catch as catch can. Don't just pick a bank, walk in, and drop a stack of Benjamins, though. Here's a tip: parking lots. Cruise the parking lots where the bank officers leave their cars. You're looking for supercars, sports cars, stuff like that. If you only see a few, or none, move on. If everyone's driving something good, you've found an institution that will probably play ball.

Online Trading and Cryptocurrencies

A lot of people are telling me about non-standard schemes, like trading in-game time for MMORPGs, or new online currencies like Bitcoin. I haven't personally used these schemes, so hopefully someone else can write in with some specifics.

Here's what I do know: these online currencies are designed to be distributed, without a single central authority. They're apparently big with my Libertarian friends for ideological reasons. One friend of mine put it this way: "Bitcoin people are like the reverse of that Ben Franklin quote. They gave up security to purchase a little temporary liberty". Well, that's fair.

I've looked at the exchange rate on cryptocurrencies and I'm not very sanguine - as a commodity, they're incredibly volatile. This is okay if you just want to unload some stolen dollars fast and don't care that you get 100% of your money back, but it's hard to build a long-term budget around an unpredictable element. That said, as a technique for money laundering, the whole approach has some kickass benefits. Until it got shut down, the Silk Road - an online drug marketplace - was proving the benefits of mutually anonymous currency exchanges.

It'll sound paradoxical to a lot of villains reading this, but the strongest point about online markets and alternate currencies is their potential for legitimacy. You could go to the corner and buy crank with your stolen cash, sure, but what do you do then? The whole goal of money laundering is to emerge with legally unencumbered money, and anything that can legitimately be used to buy goods and services by the average citizen is a good path to that. For that reason, I'm looking forward to a broader legal acceptance of stuff like Bitcoin.

Conclusions

So that's it! I hope the advice is useful to someone.

As usual, I'm not giving out specific names and phone numbers, despite some of you lazy shits wanting to know things like "who's the hookup in west Chicago" or "how can I get a drug connection in Portland". I'm here to dispense my experience, not my Rolodex. A proactive, competent villain is a good villain. If you are not these things, villainy is not for you.

Q&A: Virginia edition

"Villain in Virginia" writes in with a few questions.

Do I have to wear tights?

Absolutely not. That said, depending on your powers, you may want to. Here's the skinny on villain costuming.

First, dress for protection. If you aren't bulletproof yet, get some body armor, for Odin's sake. BodyarmorHQ is the gold standard for vests. The National Institute of Justice does regular testing of body armor for cops, and their reports on the Internet are a gold mine of useful information. Also, and I know people are going to hate this, but wear head protection. A good SWAT sniper will take out a Stage 2 or squishy Stage 3 without some kind of headgear. Incorporate a mask or decoration into it if you must.

If you're bulletproof, wear something expendable, not expensive. Anything you wear is going to be a lot less tough than you are, so expect to lose it. This is one of the reasons a lot of newbie supers look like they just got out of the gym - that stuff is non-constrictive and breathes okay, and you can get it cheap anywhere, no questions asked.

When do you wear tights? When you're a little more established. Why? In two words, sex appeal. Your body is going to be sculpted to near-perfection by the Stage 2 and Stage 3 transition. You're going to be good looking for a long time - your longevity and healing factor will see to that - so this is the time to flaunt it! Studies show that people respond positively to attractive people they see, so you want to show off your assets. That means tight clothes, bright colors, and just enough skin to keep things interesting. For the girls, male heroes will pull their punches and cops will hesitate before shooting. For the guys, a good look gives an air of authority and you can bull your way through a lot of trouble with confidence. I know it's sexist, but if it keeps you alive, what's the harm?

I just have a garage instead of a lair is that okay?

A garage is fine, as long as you don't lead the cops or your victims back to it. In fact, a garage is a good idea for your safe-house, described in my introduction. You can keep a lot of tools and supplies in there without drawing attention to yourself.

My hero went insane and got cryogenically frozen, did I do something wrong?

That's his problem. Your only problem at this point is finding a new hero. You want to pick a hero before a hero picks you, because most heroes will go after someone they think they can take down - you want the initiative here, so you can get a nemesis you can easily handle. Obviously if your primary hero got frozen, this person will be your second and hence less ideal choice, but sometimes that's how life is. Roll with the punches and get back in the game!

Q&A: How do I make money?

Time to answer some new villain questions, sent to us via the usual anonymous channels.

How do I make money?

By all the gods in Valhalla, really? You have superpowers and the bank doesn't. Figure it out. But I promised I'd write this guide, I'm actually going to get into this in some detail.

Start by making a budget. Figure out what you actually need, and what you just want because you're greedy. You'll need to make that much in "clean" cash - those sequentially numbered bills from the bank will tip off the Feds. You can do this through petty larceny, if you can't think of anything more creative. Did you see "Pulp Fiction"? If you rob a place, order everyone to empty their wallets. Keep a bag around to hold them. You can easily bring down over a grand a month just with incidental income like this.

It's important to figure out what you really want - not how much it'll cost, but what you actually want to get. Frequently, novice villains get caught not during the crime, but when they try to spend their ill-gotten gains. If you don't know how to launder money, going right to the stuff you want is often for the best. If jewelry is your thing, steal jewelry. If you like cars, steal cars.

One time I kidnapped the daughter of a hotel manager. I told him she'd be returned safe and sound if he didn't alert the police and told nobody on his staff, and mentioned reporting his undocumented staff to INS for good measure if he squealed. He didn't - I checked. I spent a week in the nice room, upstairs, with free cable and room service every day. I didn't make a dime off that gig, because money wasn't what I was after.

Let's talk about the things that make up a good caper.

1. Information management. The fewer people who know about your caper, the better. You know those TV shows where the bad guy always has a half-dozen identically dressed henchmen? In reality, those are the big leagues. If you are reading this guide, that's not you. "Henchmen" are real guys who make mortgage payments or want to impress their girlfriends with how tough they are. Real guys have second thoughts. Real guys aren't careful about who they talk to at the bar, or want to drag "a friend of mine" into your caper at the last minute. It's always something.
2. Escape routes. Maybe you'll succeed at 30%, 50%, or 80% of your capers. But you want to get away from 100% of them. That's why the first thing you think about, once you've picked a target, is how you get away safely. Have a couple of contingency plans in case the opposition comes to the same conclusions you did.
3. Creativity. The biggest danger of any caper is that the opposition will out-think you. When doing anything serious, always try to put a new spin on the plan. I said earlier to think of some stock capers. You should - but don't lean on them unless you really have to. Throw in some diversions. Mix up your M.O. If you get big enough to regularly appear on the news, listen to what the reporters and cops say about you. If it sounds like they have you figured - i.e. they aren't saying stuff like "we never know where he'll strike next" - then rethink your program.
4. Vulnerabilities. Can you lift an armored car? Can you smash one through the street? Do you know the route an armored car will take? Then go after the car! Don't break into the bank, even if you think you're tough enough to rip open the vault. Go where your objective is most weakly guarded and get it there.

These are general hints. Write back if you aren't sure how to apply your specific power-set, and I'll try to help!

Sun Tzu says, "all warfare is deception". Mr. Big says, "plan capers with your brains first and your ego second."