Thursday, September 18, 2014

Guide update from Pyrepower: Sexy Superheroes

Hi everyone! Pyrepower here. Mr. Big had an emergency, so I'm taking over the guide!


My first topic: Why are superhero guys so smoking hot?

Have you seen some of these men? You could grate lettuce on their abs.

Okay, seriously. Mr. Big told me to educate myself, so I did. Here's why that is.

Symmetry is part of attractiveness. We like symmetrical faces, I don't know why so don't ask. Anyway, symmetry is a sign of health and supers are super-healthy because of our mutation. Our little mito-guys fight off disease ever since we were born. So just being disease-free and healthy raises attractiveness.

The body stores fat as an energy reserve. Super bodies usually have what the boss called "supplemental or alternative metabolisms". Well, with all that extra energy, we don't need fat, which is awesome. I can just eat all day and it goes right to my chest instead of my butt. We have this mind-bogglingly low BMI number as a result. So that gives us this incredible muscular definition.

Aging. Nope, don't need it! I'm going to look this good for decades. Let some of those stuck-up cheerleaders think about that while they're going under the knife. Youthful appearance is a big part of attractiveness.

When you have all these men running around looking like catalog models, of course all the women do too. Plus we're a really insular peer group because we have so much in common, and so little with mundanes. I don't know why I'd ever look at a mundane guy again.

The downside is that we don't have any really "distinguished older guys". Like George Clooney. He is so hot, but he's like over 40. Anyone that old-looking who's a super has probably been around since like 1920, and that's sort of creepy.

This is not to say that I'm going to go jump any superhero who comes along, or supervillain for that matter. I just like looking at y'all, it doesn't mean anything.

Anyway, I also want to say there's something about heroes in particular. Villains, even Mr. Big, are sort of greedy and distant and stuff. Some of them are pretty violent. Others are just creepy. Heroes just are like big teddy bears though. They're all "you won't get away with this!" and "It's not too late, you can repent" and stuff. It's adorable. I do sometimes wish I could capture a couple heroes and just keep them around for a few days, then release them.

Mr. Big will be back soon! Until then, keep on villainizing!