Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Q&A: Communist Gorillas on the Moon edition

Today we're fielding an interesting question from "Manhattan Marauder".

What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in your time as a supervillain?

I'm actually going to let my long-time collaborator Pyrepower handle this one. Take it away, hot stuff!

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Hi folks, Pyrepower here. Thanks to everyone who has been reading Mr. Big and writing back with awesome stuff!

The weirdest thing I've ever seen has to be Communist gorillas on the Moon. No lie, I promise you it happened.

A bunch of us got together and decided we were going to raid Apollo's house. Seriously, grabbing something from the home of the world's first public super would make us forever. We had a force-field generator called Childe and a molecular manipulator called Levin, so we thought we could make the trip into space safely. We spent a week researching zero-gravity, taking practice flights to the upper atmosphere, that sort of thing. Then we headed up.

Everyone got really excited when we reached the Lagrange point. We were halfway there! Childe and Levin were holding up okay and the rest of us were ready to deal with Apollo if he was home. We planned the raid during one of his walkabouts, but just in case, you know?

We land right at the house. Everything seems okay. Obviously the dude has no security whatsoever, he lives on the Moon so who's going to break in, right? Childe holds a bubble over the entrance while we head inside. Apollo doesn't have much but a lot of it looks like generic antique junk, so we're not sure what to take. We want something only he would have, like an old flight jacket or something.

While we're in there, Hardcase spots something on the security monitors. Apollo isn't just walking around on the surface - he's fighting! So we fiddle with the computer running the cameras to get a better look.

There's an old bald man in some kind of plastic spacesuit, with a big bubble helmet instead of those close-fitting astronaut deals. And with him are these three huge guys - or well, not really guys, because they're wearing the same thing and that means we can their heads. We look closer and they're gorillas! I am not kidding. I don't just mean Children of Lilith ugly dudes, I mean actual gorillas. Back on Earth, we went to the zoo and saw some just to be sure. Nearby we can see what looks like a big metal block. Hardcase pans the camera over that way and we see it's really some kind of rocket. It's got a hammer and sickle on it. Levin says that means it's Soviet, which is like old Russian stuff.

We look back at the old guy and the gorillas. Sure enough, their suits have a hammer and sickle on them too. We watch for awhile, because this is the coolest thing any of us have ever seen, but also obviously the weirdest, and we notice something. The gorillas aren't just fighting like animals. They team up, they surround Apollo, they take on some kind of fighting stance like martial artists do in the movies. They're actually intelligent!

Apollo finally beats them, of course, because come on, he's frigging Apollo and has been fighting Russians since like 1962 or whatever. So we hurry up and get out. We've all totally forgotten about robbing this guy, because he's clearly too cool a dude to steal from, and besides, we got something better. We got a kickass story that nobody else knows about. We even took some pictures of the security setup, so we can prove we were there.

Anyway, that's it. Communist gorillas on the Moon. Seriously, absolutely the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

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Thanks, Pyrepower. Mr. Big is back in the saddle, and when I heard that story originally, I thought it was unbelievable. Then I saw the evidence with my own eyes. I, Mr. Big, am standing behind the story that PP told here, let's make that official.

So hopefully that answers Manhattan Marauder's question. I want to add that I'm not personally surprised by intelligent gorillas - human beings aren't the only animals to have developed the super-mutation, and I'll share some other stories like that sometime if anyone wants to hear them.