Introduction: Why villainy?

So you’ve got superhuman powers, but you don't know what to do with yourself. If you’re reading this guide, maybe you’re considering self-gratification. No, not that kind, you sicko. I mean villainy.

As a super, your physical needs will diminish. Eating, sleeping, maybe even breathing! Many of you won’t need a shelter from the elements. And this is great, because it means you never have to work again.

I know, I know - society has conditioned you to believe that you need to fit yourself in somewhere, like a cog in a machine. Well you aren’t a cog anymore. You’re a spanner in the works, and society has no idea what to do about you. It’s only been fifty years or so since supers emerged. We can't even keep up with all the changes to Facebook's timeline feature. You think solving the problem of demigods is going to be fast? You can't wait around for them to decide who and what you are.

So, forget society! Supervillainy is actually a pretty good thing to take up. Here’s why.

1. You work for yourself and make your own hours. I can’t stress how liberating this is.
2. Nobody else is using your powers in ways you don’t agree with.
3. The good guys will play by some rules - and make allowances you'd never get if you were a conventional terrorist.

I’m not advocating that you turn into a mass-murdering psychopath or mercenary or something here. If you want to play this game, you'll have to play by some rules too. But within those rules, if it feels good, do it!

For example, my power as Mr. Big is control over the weak nuclear force, with some overlap with the electroweak force, in certain specific patterns. In plain English, I can grow and shrink. Well, what am I going to do with that?

I saw a video on Youtube called "Straight Ahead", by Tube & Berger, featuring singer Chrissie Hynde. It had a giant figure in a diving suit dancing around the city, towering over skyscrapers and so forth. So I thought, what the hell. Sure, I had to kidnap Chrissie Hynde and steal a sound system to make it all work, but it was perfect. Just perfect. Nobody got hurt, and people downtown got to take a lot of really neat pictures. It sure had the tourists going, let me tell you.

Next we'll talk about how to get started as a villain!

Plus: I'll be doing the video for "Love is Strong" by the Stones. Chicago. July 4th. Be there. It's going to be epic.