Monday, July 14, 2014

Wavelength Posts: Undead Edition

I want to collect the best (or worst) of posts to Wavelength, the popular (?) board for super-related gossip, weird stories, and far-out theories. It's not that I particularly give credence to these ideas. But a lot of newbie villains think having powers makes them awesome. Attention you guys: there's shit out there that will make you run screaming, so get some perspective.

With that, let's start with the undead posts. I've added some commentary where appropriate.

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ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AVERTED IN BERLIN

DEVELOPING - Researchers at a prestigious university in Berlin averted a potential cataclysm that could have engulfed the human species. Their research subject: an actual zombie. This creature was born with a Lilith-type meta-gene. The mutation concentrated all metabolic activity into the bones, creating connective tissue and muscle out of some sort of carbon nanotubes, similar to the American superhero Brawl and his carbon alchemy.

Yeah, "meta-gene". I smell bullshit coming. There's a true story here, but it's not a zombie apocalypse.

As the creature's body became less and less dependent on flesh, tissues and internal organs necrotized and started to fall away. Researchers were forced to wrap the creature in heavy bandages - not because it needed them, but because it expressed a horror at what was happening to it. Eventually even the bandages were not enough, and the mummified zombie was little more than an animated skeleton. Researchers were baffled at the ability of the creature to think and perceive despite a complete lack of nervous system, brain, or sensory organs.

I feel really, really bad for this poor sad son of a bitch.

During the mutation cycle, it was discovered that the adaption was contagious, like a vampire's viral infection. Researchers were quarantined until the infection could be halted. But for the diligence of the German authorities, this plague could have easily spread, until zombies were overrunning the globe!

Uh, go Germany, I guess.

The worst part of the story is this: as the subject was losing his own tissue, he started expressing a growing hunger for the flesh of the researchers, and actually attacked several of them. Although nobody was killed, it confirmed our worst fears about zombie cannibalism. This is real, folks.

He didn't try to cannibalize anyone. The guy was going mad from his ordeal and he flipped his shit. You would too.

LICHES AND THEIR PHYLACTERIES

The ancient Egyptians stored their dead rulers' internal organs in canopic jars. More recently, we read about the "lich" - a powerful undead mage - and his phylactery, a repository for his soul. We have discovered that the zombie above has actually transformed himself into a lich and escaped from Germany. He even has a phylactery! Read on for details...

He didn't escape, he was moved to a secure - and anonymous - containment facility for his own protection and mental health. By Thor, these people get some weird ideas.

Studies of shape- and size-shifters produced a very interesting question: where does the brain go, when there's no room for it? Well, it turns out that supers with such powers develop a micro-miniaturized "backup brain". In the case of the zombie, he advanced a Stage during his incarceration. His backup brain is now fully in control of his body, and he can pull it out of his skeleton and conceal it anywhere.

This "backup brain" theory is highly controversial. I don't have one, for example. My control of the electro-weak force means my body stays structurally the same, just that the spaces between atoms changes. Still freaky, so I don't think about it.

As long as this phylactery stays intact, he can stay conscious, regrow himself a body, or anything else he pleases. He is immortal, unkillable, and a danger to the human race.

Nobody actually knows what happened to the guy, so this is all speculation.

QUESTION ABOUT ZOMBIE MAN

Does anyone know if his powers include real magic or mind control?

No, they don't. Idiots.

ZOMBIE MAN MOTIVES

We've known for a long time that vampires and werewolves are real. Good vampires like Edward Cullen, or evil vampires like Dracula, are all real. So what about good and evil zombies? Maybe he is a good guy and doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Twilight? Real? Say it ain't so.

GHOST OF ZOMBIE MAN

If Zombie Man rots away completely, maybe all that'll be left is his ghost. Do we have any confirmed evidence of other super-ghosts? Maybe he will be the first.

On Wavelength, "confirmed evidence" means "sufficiently uprated posts". Caveat emptor.

GHOST EVIDENCE IS ON ARXIV

Paranormal researchers have uncovered evidence that human consciousness can be preserved in the "backup brain" described earlier, even if the only physical remains are a few living cells. For example, a haunted hotel was found to contain trace amounts of a dead super's blood and nerve cells. But this was enough - his consciousness was still distributed among the cells, and his gravitational powers gave him the abilities of a poltergeist. He was quite mad, of course. Go do the research, people, this is real.

The paper in question was retracted after serious issues with its methodology, data, and personnel were raised. Go do the research indeed. Downthread, some of the more astute people commented "we can't find this paper" and someone predictably replied with "THEY don't want you to know", so yeah.

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So yeah, undead are sort of real? There's some truth to some of the things talked about here, but even "Zombie Man" wasn't dead, just.. not as fleshy as before.