Since Pyrepower did a big favor for me the other day (not that kind, fan fiction writers, sorry), I thought I'd do something in return: give her a little more exposure (again, not that kind). So here's my favorite apprentice's secret origin.
Pyrepower got her start a few years back. She lived in Texas. She was on track to be valedictorian at her high school. She had great grades, plans for college, you name it. But she was Stage 2 by then, so of course she was doing better than her peers.
She was going to be the designated driver for her group, who were all going to a big post-football party - pigskin being a very big deal in her town. They went to the party, they had fun. She wasn't really the "party girl" type. The football team was all there, natch, and they were all drinking, natch. They pretty much had their pick of girls, and most of them went upstairs with the girl (or girls) they wanted at the party.
One of Pyre's friends wasn't interested in the attention from one of the jocks, so she asked for a ride home. Pyre said okay, she'd go get the car. They drove away. The jock piled into his car with a few other friends and took off after them - motives uncertain, but probably guessable. On the road, they crashed, and Pyre's car went off the road. She was trapped in the wreck and burned alive, transitioning to Stage 3 in the process. Her friend apparently got out but passed out, and was hospitalized. The jocks were shaken up, but not seriously injured.
Pyre's body was still transforming and healing itself. She woke up in the hospital a few days later. Her friend was on medication and being treated for burns and smoke inhalation. In the meantime, the jock had given a statement to the police that Pyre had been drunk and hit their car instead. The cops bought it - pigskin being a very big deal in their town - and let the guy go without any warning or fine, even though it was clear they'd been drinking.
So our girl is accused of drunk driving, her insurance company refuses to cover anything, her parents are totally upset with her, and her chances at giving the valedictory go up in smoke. She spent 17 agonizing hours recovering from being charred literally to the bone, and she was not happy.
So she goes after the jock and his friends in a big way. This is where I come in. I'd like to say I was coincidentally in the area, but I get a news feed of likely or confirmed Stage 3 transitions and I headed down to see what was going on. I stop her before she burns them alive in their own car, because I'm a nice guy like that.
"He's going to play football!" she screamed at me. "My life was ruined, and he's going back to play football!" Well, this seemed unfair to me, so I had her tell me her story. I checked it out a little bit - trust, but verify, you know? - and told her, fine, we'll come up with something.
So we go back to the jock - well, she goes, and I hitch a ride in shrunken form to observe - and she lays out the deal we worked out. Life for life. She didn't die, neither does he. But it's not fair that he gets off because he's a football dude and she's an academic, so she's gonna give him a choice. Fess up about what really happened that night, or she's going to break his legs so he can't play, and whenever he's healed up, she'll come back and break them again. I credit the movie "Casino" with the idea.
Our boy agreed to the deal and said he'd confess. A few days of nothing and one broken leg later, he realized that keeping his word was a good idea and came clean. Of course there was no going back for Pyrepower at that time, but she wanted nothing more to do with these people anyway. She had a lot of unexpressed anger that was going to take time to bubble up and deal with. I told her that since was 18, she was an adult, and she could do what she liked. If she didn't have job prospects (her impending DUI conviction, and the assault charges, saw to that), I'd offer her on-the-job training. I explained my version of villainy. Professional lawbreaker was a hard sell at first, but she discovered she had a taste for it.
I got her into some therapy for the trauma and the anger management. We picked a code name. I wanted something else, but she said Pyrefly was too goofy. She doesn't believe me when I say the shortened name sounds like "peepee" and is embarrassing. I'm happy to say that she's doing good, she's furthering her studies, and she's not just perpetrating violence and theft all her life. She's a good kid, and I'm proud to have her as an apprentice.
----
My short name is Pyre, not PP.
----
You're welcome to think whatever makes you happy, kid.
Showing posts with label supervillains. Show all posts
Showing posts with label supervillains. Show all posts
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Relations: other villains
As I talked about in my guide to villain sidekicks, fraternal association works much better with heroes than with villains, because heroes tend to have compatible goals and villains do not. Despite that, many villains can and do work with each other for their own reasons. Here are a few key tips to interacting with your fellow villain successfully.
Respect is key
Every villain relationship is based around respect. Sometimes it's mutual, other times it's not. But villains who don't respect each other are eventually going to squabble, and then fight, and that is how relationships end.
You may not like your fellow villains, but you might still need them. If so, find something about them that you can respect. Their technique, their soliloquy, their power, even their enemies. Find something to latch onto that you can get on board with before you ever talk to another villain.
Trust is expensive
Every bank you rob is a bank your rivals can't hit. Every dollar that goes to the police budget thanks to your shenanigans is a dollar spent to lock up your fellow villains. Every death, accidental or otherwise, poisons the public against all villains, not just the instigator. In short, villains don't trust each other because we always run the risk of making each others' lives harder.
Like I said in the introduction, relationships are a balance of risk vs. reward. With other villains, you can mitigate the risk by creating trust. Open your communication with any of the following:
Respect is key
Every villain relationship is based around respect. Sometimes it's mutual, other times it's not. But villains who don't respect each other are eventually going to squabble, and then fight, and that is how relationships end.
You may not like your fellow villains, but you might still need them. If so, find something about them that you can respect. Their technique, their soliloquy, their power, even their enemies. Find something to latch onto that you can get on board with before you ever talk to another villain.
Trust is expensive
Every bank you rob is a bank your rivals can't hit. Every dollar that goes to the police budget thanks to your shenanigans is a dollar spent to lock up your fellow villains. Every death, accidental or otherwise, poisons the public against all villains, not just the instigator. In short, villains don't trust each other because we always run the risk of making each others' lives harder.
Like I said in the introduction, relationships are a balance of risk vs. reward. With other villains, you can mitigate the risk by creating trust. Open your communication with any of the following:
- Territory agreements - where your turf begins and another villain's turf ends
- Mutual non-aggression agreements
- Information exchange - police tactics, hero weaknesses, and so on
It's instructive to note that these sorts of things are how both gangs and nations interact. And people ask me why I distrust government.
Power level matters
If you're a novice Stage 3, and you're thinking about interacting with a veteran Stage 4 or even the rare Stage 5, you aren't dividing territory. You're offering your services as a powered henchman. In my opinion this is the worst thing that can happen to an aspiring villain. If you're okay with this life, stop reading my guide and get out.
Even if you don't personally like the more powerful villain, you should show him respect. If you disagree, pick a fight. I'll come visit you in the hospital and you can tell me how it worked out for you.
Even if you don't personally like the more powerful villain, you should show him respect. If you disagree, pick a fight. I'll come visit you in the hospital and you can tell me how it worked out for you.
So how do you manage relations with more powerful villains? By carving out a niche that the more powerful villain doesn't care about, and sticking with that niche. If the senior villain in your area doesn't do kidnapping or prefers not to mess with the police or whatever, learn how to do these things well, and start doing them. If the senior doesn't do these things, you've got a career unimpeded by his presence. If the senior discovers a need for something you do, they'll hopefully come to you - and if so, even if it's not as equals, it's as peers.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Q&A: Influences
Today we're taking a different sort of Question and Answer. I get a lot of comments and private messages that basically ask:
Mr. Big, what are your influences?
I like to think I've been around long enough to be the influencer, but here's a short list of some of the heroes, villains, and other people who made me who I am today:
Mr. Big, what are your influences?
I like to think I've been around long enough to be the influencer, but here's a short list of some of the heroes, villains, and other people who made me who I am today:
- The Marxman, you crazy Russian bastard. That head shot is what pushed me to Stage 4. Couldn't have made it without you, buddy! Good aim.
- Tokyo Rose, you're beautiful. Nobody can stop the signal.
- Mischa, you taught me a lot. Anyone can tell a bad lie. You always knew when to tell a good truth.
- B.A.K., you were one of the best. No remorse, no regrets, just a terrifically motivated dude.
- Illumina, for being the all-loving savior of humanity, and for believing that even a bad guy like me can be changed. Thanks for letting me prove you wrong and accepting it gracefully.
- Professor Pulsar, for letting me know just how important science is to an aspiring villain. You'll be missed.
If you have a favorite hero, villain, or other important person, leave a shout-out in the comments.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Q&A: Sidekicks
"Claim Jumper" writes in to ask:
Should supervillains have sidekicks?
Yes and no. It depends on what you're doing, and what your motives are. All of these things revolve around an important truth of villainy: You are in this for you, other villains are in it for them. Villains can have friendships, working partnerships, and so forth, but at the end of the day we didn't get into this gig for altruism.
Sidekicks are traditionally a hero thing, because heroes and sidekicks have compatible goals. Your goal as a villain is not guaranteed to be compatible with your sidekick's, so it's more likely to end badly if you try to emulate what heroes do.
I'm retiring but I want to apprentice someone
This is more of a mentor-student relationship than a "super and sidekick". In that case, what's in it for you is the feeling of accomplishment in training someone new to do what you did. Your trainee gets to learn new things, do his own capers, and profit from your experience. Provided you both have compatible personalities, this will work out just fine.
I want someone whose powers or approaches complement my own
In this case, you should approach another villain with about the same level of experience as you. Such partnerships don't last long unless both sides feel that they are equal. Bruised ego, damaged pride, and hurt feelings will end unequal relationships.
If your powers are such that you really need a partner, and all you can find is a junior, make absolutely sure you have a clear plan in mind for when (not if) he decides to branch out on his own. I cannot stress enough that such relationships are almost never stable.
I have a relationship with someone (romantic or familial) but have superior powers or experience
You can pursue this if the relationship has already proven to be rock-solid, and you should not plan for a long career as a villain team until you get some experience. You should mutually agree to one or two capers to test the waters, and only then see whether it will it should continue. Some romantic pairings try to invoke Bonnie & Clyde as role models to emulate. I want to point out that those two took totally unnecessary risks and eventually got themselves killed, because people together will do crazy shit that neither one alone would have dared to do.
I want a Mini-Me or Kid Hostage
No. This never works out for long. If you can't show respect to the person you intend to take on as a partner, they will respond to it badly, and you will lose out on whatever opportunity you had in mind. If you need a short-term decoy or something, don't waste the time building a sidekick, training them, or any nonsense like that. Use a random civilian instead.
Examples
Let's talk about a few example villain pairings and how they work out.
Needle and Thread - hired assassins who work the Eastern Seaboard. This is a stable business partnership. The two supers use different code names when working solo, and they come together to fight tougher opponents. They are mutually respectful and have complementary powers; neither one is a "sidekick".
Tellurian and Geode - this is an example of a sidekick-style relationship that went wrong. Tellurian was robbing banks, and during one heist, he impressed a young super at the bank so much, the kid promptly chased after him! They tried teaming up for a bit, as both had earth powers, but Geode's inexperience hampered Tellurian so much that the guy finally left the kid on the scene for the cops to pick up. They reconciled a few years later, but they never teamed up again.
Mr. Big and Pyrepower - c'est moi! I've been helping Pyrepower out on and off for several years. She's a lot younger than me, and she runs with her own crew most of the time. I've been mentoring her (and that's all, you fanfiction weirdos) because I see a lot of potential. For my part, I've got enough material wealth to do what I want, so these days I mostly goof around. None of her capers are going to threaten what I want, and nothing I'm doing is going to get in her way, so it works out.
Should supervillains have sidekicks?
Yes and no. It depends on what you're doing, and what your motives are. All of these things revolve around an important truth of villainy: You are in this for you, other villains are in it for them. Villains can have friendships, working partnerships, and so forth, but at the end of the day we didn't get into this gig for altruism.
Sidekicks are traditionally a hero thing, because heroes and sidekicks have compatible goals. Your goal as a villain is not guaranteed to be compatible with your sidekick's, so it's more likely to end badly if you try to emulate what heroes do.
I'm retiring but I want to apprentice someone
This is more of a mentor-student relationship than a "super and sidekick". In that case, what's in it for you is the feeling of accomplishment in training someone new to do what you did. Your trainee gets to learn new things, do his own capers, and profit from your experience. Provided you both have compatible personalities, this will work out just fine.
I want someone whose powers or approaches complement my own
In this case, you should approach another villain with about the same level of experience as you. Such partnerships don't last long unless both sides feel that they are equal. Bruised ego, damaged pride, and hurt feelings will end unequal relationships.
If your powers are such that you really need a partner, and all you can find is a junior, make absolutely sure you have a clear plan in mind for when (not if) he decides to branch out on his own. I cannot stress enough that such relationships are almost never stable.
I have a relationship with someone (romantic or familial) but have superior powers or experience
You can pursue this if the relationship has already proven to be rock-solid, and you should not plan for a long career as a villain team until you get some experience. You should mutually agree to one or two capers to test the waters, and only then see whether it will it should continue. Some romantic pairings try to invoke Bonnie & Clyde as role models to emulate. I want to point out that those two took totally unnecessary risks and eventually got themselves killed, because people together will do crazy shit that neither one alone would have dared to do.
I want a Mini-Me or Kid Hostage
No. This never works out for long. If you can't show respect to the person you intend to take on as a partner, they will respond to it badly, and you will lose out on whatever opportunity you had in mind. If you need a short-term decoy or something, don't waste the time building a sidekick, training them, or any nonsense like that. Use a random civilian instead.
Examples
Let's talk about a few example villain pairings and how they work out.
Needle and Thread - hired assassins who work the Eastern Seaboard. This is a stable business partnership. The two supers use different code names when working solo, and they come together to fight tougher opponents. They are mutually respectful and have complementary powers; neither one is a "sidekick".
Tellurian and Geode - this is an example of a sidekick-style relationship that went wrong. Tellurian was robbing banks, and during one heist, he impressed a young super at the bank so much, the kid promptly chased after him! They tried teaming up for a bit, as both had earth powers, but Geode's inexperience hampered Tellurian so much that the guy finally left the kid on the scene for the cops to pick up. They reconciled a few years later, but they never teamed up again.
Mr. Big and Pyrepower - c'est moi! I've been helping Pyrepower out on and off for several years. She's a lot younger than me, and she runs with her own crew most of the time. I've been mentoring her (and that's all, you fanfiction weirdos) because I see a lot of potential. For my part, I've got enough material wealth to do what I want, so these days I mostly goof around. None of her capers are going to threaten what I want, and nothing I'm doing is going to get in her way, so it works out.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Supervillains of Note: Singularity
I've talked about Singularity in the past. She retired, or disappeared, a few years ago. Still, her villainous career is long and notable.
Singularity
This lady came from the New York-New Jersey-Connecticut tri-state area, or at least that's where a lot of her activities were focused. She wasn't the first super to claim extraterrestrial heritage, but she was certainly the most convincing. A lot of this was due to her good looks (even for a typical super), her presence, and her charisma. But she made several claims that were backed up by astronomers, who verify she couldn't have possibly known about what she claimed. Why? Because the light from the stellar events she described couldn't have reached Earth by the time she mentioned them.
Past
Singularity was active in the tri-state area from 1985 to 2005. She was a recurring foil for the American All-Stars. Before that, nobody's sure where she came from.
She herself told the following story: she was a farm girl in Iowa, when she was visited by extraterrestrials and taken up in their spaceship. They did certain experiments on her, told her she was "ready" and would be "the first of many", and released her. When she returned home, she claimed her powers were fully manifested.
At first she preached the aliens' message - that Earth was going to be invaded, that the good aliens who had kidnapped her were preparing the planet for the arrival of evil aliens from across the galaxy. She said we had to get ready. Wars had to end, capitalism had to be abolished, socialism had to become the new system of government or the good aliens would judge us unworthy. Obviously, nobody in America in the 80's was interested in hearing that, so she started getting more aggressive.
Position
Singularity tried to round up sympathetic superhumans, but most of them were, frankly, nutters. To her credit, she was pretty good about weeding out the real freaks or the con-men. She would join multiple hero teams early on, trying to convince them of her message, but nobody took her really seriously. Super-biology had been understood for a decade, so claims of empowering aliens seemed unlikely.
She worked solo since then. Her powers made her a formidable brick with energy projection. She could use her energy defensively too, so she didn't really need support from anyone. At the end of her career, experts assessed her (from observation) as being Stage 5 or perhaps even Stage 6.
Personality
Singularity was a driven woman. She never got into villainy for selfish reasons, though she was very good at what she did. She could be bitter about people failing to accept her message, or maybe just frustrated at being called on her bullshit - it really depends on what you think the truth is.
The one thing she was absolutely known for was her charisma and presentation. She had the ability to command an audience, on par with world leaders. She must have studied somewhere, because her rhetorical skills were absolutely top-notch. I've read entire books dedicated to studying her speaking style. She could absolutely have been a world leader herself - between her style and her powers, she could have knocked over any small country of her choice and installed herself.
Over her villainous career, she made several announcements about stellar events - novae, newly discovered variable stars, that sort of thing. A few months later, astronomers would confirm them as light reached the earth. This seriously creeps a lot of people out. Singularity claimed that some of these were alien activities, and that they formed a pattern. Nobody ever noticed a larger pattern, and astronomers typically think she was just using some strange foreknowledge to support her story.
Powers
The Transhuman Capability Catalog assigns Singularity the classification of TCC F12 - control of the unified electromagnetic force. She could do amazing things with her powers, and a lot of people claimed that she was the living incarnation of some of Nikola Tesla's wilder theories about electricity. Director of Research Ben Ford at CERN claimed that electromagnetic physics advanced 5 years after scientists studied one of her crime scenes for 2 hours.
Problems
Well, obviously she's not around any more, so either she got killed off (and if so, that's scary - think about who could take out someone that powerful?), got tired of playing Princess Alien Invasion, or something. Some people think it was all just an act, and that she was trolling the world at large until she could retire.
She repeatedly tackled the American All-Stars, and there was never a clear motive for it. My personal reason, shared by a few veteran villains, is that she was playing on their no-kill policy to deliberately power herself up through trauma.
The scariest explanation is that she got powerful enough to tackle her evil alien invaders, and went off to fight them. Well in that case, did she succeed, or did she fail? Leave the lights on tonight, kids!
That's it for Supervillains of Note, at least for now! Please write in with any questions you'd like answered, and we'll be back on with our usual content in the coming days.
Singularity
This lady came from the New York-New Jersey-Connecticut tri-state area, or at least that's where a lot of her activities were focused. She wasn't the first super to claim extraterrestrial heritage, but she was certainly the most convincing. A lot of this was due to her good looks (even for a typical super), her presence, and her charisma. But she made several claims that were backed up by astronomers, who verify she couldn't have possibly known about what she claimed. Why? Because the light from the stellar events she described couldn't have reached Earth by the time she mentioned them.
Past
Singularity was active in the tri-state area from 1985 to 2005. She was a recurring foil for the American All-Stars. Before that, nobody's sure where she came from.
She herself told the following story: she was a farm girl in Iowa, when she was visited by extraterrestrials and taken up in their spaceship. They did certain experiments on her, told her she was "ready" and would be "the first of many", and released her. When she returned home, she claimed her powers were fully manifested.
At first she preached the aliens' message - that Earth was going to be invaded, that the good aliens who had kidnapped her were preparing the planet for the arrival of evil aliens from across the galaxy. She said we had to get ready. Wars had to end, capitalism had to be abolished, socialism had to become the new system of government or the good aliens would judge us unworthy. Obviously, nobody in America in the 80's was interested in hearing that, so she started getting more aggressive.
Position
Singularity tried to round up sympathetic superhumans, but most of them were, frankly, nutters. To her credit, she was pretty good about weeding out the real freaks or the con-men. She would join multiple hero teams early on, trying to convince them of her message, but nobody took her really seriously. Super-biology had been understood for a decade, so claims of empowering aliens seemed unlikely.
She worked solo since then. Her powers made her a formidable brick with energy projection. She could use her energy defensively too, so she didn't really need support from anyone. At the end of her career, experts assessed her (from observation) as being Stage 5 or perhaps even Stage 6.
Personality
Singularity was a driven woman. She never got into villainy for selfish reasons, though she was very good at what she did. She could be bitter about people failing to accept her message, or maybe just frustrated at being called on her bullshit - it really depends on what you think the truth is.
The one thing she was absolutely known for was her charisma and presentation. She had the ability to command an audience, on par with world leaders. She must have studied somewhere, because her rhetorical skills were absolutely top-notch. I've read entire books dedicated to studying her speaking style. She could absolutely have been a world leader herself - between her style and her powers, she could have knocked over any small country of her choice and installed herself.
Over her villainous career, she made several announcements about stellar events - novae, newly discovered variable stars, that sort of thing. A few months later, astronomers would confirm them as light reached the earth. This seriously creeps a lot of people out. Singularity claimed that some of these were alien activities, and that they formed a pattern. Nobody ever noticed a larger pattern, and astronomers typically think she was just using some strange foreknowledge to support her story.
Powers
The Transhuman Capability Catalog assigns Singularity the classification of TCC F12 - control of the unified electromagnetic force. She could do amazing things with her powers, and a lot of people claimed that she was the living incarnation of some of Nikola Tesla's wilder theories about electricity. Director of Research Ben Ford at CERN claimed that electromagnetic physics advanced 5 years after scientists studied one of her crime scenes for 2 hours.
Problems
Well, obviously she's not around any more, so either she got killed off (and if so, that's scary - think about who could take out someone that powerful?), got tired of playing Princess Alien Invasion, or something. Some people think it was all just an act, and that she was trolling the world at large until she could retire.
She repeatedly tackled the American All-Stars, and there was never a clear motive for it. My personal reason, shared by a few veteran villains, is that she was playing on their no-kill policy to deliberately power herself up through trauma.
The scariest explanation is that she got powerful enough to tackle her evil alien invaders, and went off to fight them. Well in that case, did she succeed, or did she fail? Leave the lights on tonight, kids!
That's it for Supervillains of Note, at least for now! Please write in with any questions you'd like answered, and we'll be back on with our usual content in the coming days.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Supervillains of Note: Beast-Boss
Today's supervillain has one of the most interesting M.O.'s I have ever seen.
Beast-Boss
This guy has a small army of animals that do his bidding, and he can establish mental control over any animal he can reach. I don't mean like trained parrots and crap like that, I mean like bears the size of a car, or really deadly falcons dropping grenades, or cockroach spies. This dude is seriously scary, and he can screw you up from the next state over if you aren't careful.
Beast-Boss is best known for attacking zoos around the country, especially ones with rare animals. He breaks them out, takes them over, and uses them to do other crimes. It's like real-life Poke'mon, apparently - I think he wants one of everything. PETA seriously hates this guy.
Past
Beast-Boss is a former military super, one of the many people who were investigated by the United State's Department of Intelligence under the Stargate Project. He was a patriotic boy from Alabama who signed up for the Army. When they did their standard blood screenings and saw he was Stage 2, they pushed him into the advanced program immediately.
Somewhere along the line, he decided he didn't like what they were doing, and he went out on his own. He got a bucket load of training before he and the Army parted ways, which makes him a difficult villain for anyone to deal with. You saw "Ocean's Eleven", right? Those guys used their paratrooper skills to do crimes. Beast-Boss is like that, and he's got his own army to boot.
Position
Beast-Boss used to be a member of the Bad Ol' Boys, a villain team from the south. The acronym "BOB" is intentional, and yes, I checked, they think it's hilarious. They were big on anti-government tactics and never stole from poor people. Contrary to rumor, none of the Boys were particularly racist. They liked the idea of Southern chivalry.
Beast-Boss's job was running interference. He'd sabotage police vehicles, take down helicopters, cut power lines, and otherwise cause disruptions for anyone who might mess with a BOB operation. His pets could bring in spare weapons for the rest of the group or attack the cops. Police stopped using horses and bloodhounds when BOB was in town, because Beast-Boss could always get to them.
Personality
Beast-Boss is a good ol' boy in the best sense of the term. He's polite, well-mannered, and reasonably intelligent. He told me once that he'd rejected the name "Beastmaster" (based on the movie, natch) because he didn't want the implications of a Southern man with "master" in the name. I think "Boss" sounds more blue-collar anyway, which is about right.
The one thing you absolutely do not do is mess with any of the man's animals. He can feel their physical sensations as well as their pain, and if you hurt them, you hurt him. He genuinely cares about the animals he controls. He's pretty good about keeping them all fed and taken care of. He donates a portion of his income to animal rights groups - anonymously, so they can't return money they knew was donated by a villain.
Powers
Beast-Boss is classified in the Transhuman Capability Catalog as TCC S6/7, because of his control over his pets' nervous systems. He can "infect" animals with a system of control. Biologists dissected one of his dead animals once, and claimed that he was producing organic nano-machines which bonded with their brains. Creepy, if you asked me. I prefer not to think about it, especially if he's able to infect humans too. If he can, he'd be unstoppable.
Aside from control, he's able to empower some of his animals, basically turning them into Stage 2 supers themselves. They get stronger, faster, tougher, and bigger. You think I was joking about bears the size of cars? Forget it, that's real.
Problems
The biggest problem Beast-Boss has is his animals. Sure, they are tough even when not enhanced, but he feels what they do. Enough painful feedback has been known to incapacitate him. He also needs to be in touch range to take control of an animal, limiting his influence.
Beast-Boss
This guy has a small army of animals that do his bidding, and he can establish mental control over any animal he can reach. I don't mean like trained parrots and crap like that, I mean like bears the size of a car, or really deadly falcons dropping grenades, or cockroach spies. This dude is seriously scary, and he can screw you up from the next state over if you aren't careful.
Beast-Boss is best known for attacking zoos around the country, especially ones with rare animals. He breaks them out, takes them over, and uses them to do other crimes. It's like real-life Poke'mon, apparently - I think he wants one of everything. PETA seriously hates this guy.
Past
Beast-Boss is a former military super, one of the many people who were investigated by the United State's Department of Intelligence under the Stargate Project. He was a patriotic boy from Alabama who signed up for the Army. When they did their standard blood screenings and saw he was Stage 2, they pushed him into the advanced program immediately.
Somewhere along the line, he decided he didn't like what they were doing, and he went out on his own. He got a bucket load of training before he and the Army parted ways, which makes him a difficult villain for anyone to deal with. You saw "Ocean's Eleven", right? Those guys used their paratrooper skills to do crimes. Beast-Boss is like that, and he's got his own army to boot.
Position
Beast-Boss used to be a member of the Bad Ol' Boys, a villain team from the south. The acronym "BOB" is intentional, and yes, I checked, they think it's hilarious. They were big on anti-government tactics and never stole from poor people. Contrary to rumor, none of the Boys were particularly racist. They liked the idea of Southern chivalry.
Beast-Boss's job was running interference. He'd sabotage police vehicles, take down helicopters, cut power lines, and otherwise cause disruptions for anyone who might mess with a BOB operation. His pets could bring in spare weapons for the rest of the group or attack the cops. Police stopped using horses and bloodhounds when BOB was in town, because Beast-Boss could always get to them.
Personality
Beast-Boss is a good ol' boy in the best sense of the term. He's polite, well-mannered, and reasonably intelligent. He told me once that he'd rejected the name "Beastmaster" (based on the movie, natch) because he didn't want the implications of a Southern man with "master" in the name. I think "Boss" sounds more blue-collar anyway, which is about right.
The one thing you absolutely do not do is mess with any of the man's animals. He can feel their physical sensations as well as their pain, and if you hurt them, you hurt him. He genuinely cares about the animals he controls. He's pretty good about keeping them all fed and taken care of. He donates a portion of his income to animal rights groups - anonymously, so they can't return money they knew was donated by a villain.
Powers
Beast-Boss is classified in the Transhuman Capability Catalog as TCC S6/7, because of his control over his pets' nervous systems. He can "infect" animals with a system of control. Biologists dissected one of his dead animals once, and claimed that he was producing organic nano-machines which bonded with their brains. Creepy, if you asked me. I prefer not to think about it, especially if he's able to infect humans too. If he can, he'd be unstoppable.
Aside from control, he's able to empower some of his animals, basically turning them into Stage 2 supers themselves. They get stronger, faster, tougher, and bigger. You think I was joking about bears the size of cars? Forget it, that's real.
Problems
The biggest problem Beast-Boss has is his animals. Sure, they are tough even when not enhanced, but he feels what they do. Enough painful feedback has been known to incapacitate him. He also needs to be in touch range to take control of an animal, limiting his influence.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Supervillains of Note: Mountain Man
Today's "Supervillains of Note" takes us back to America, and someone who's provoked a lot of political discussion.
Mountain Man
Mountain Man is the alias of Jeremiah Hendricks, tax protester and all-around weirdo. He's Stage 4 and pretty tough. His power is control of rock. He lives in a cabin surrounded by rock on all sides, and he uses his stone control powers to move it to different places around the Appalachian Mountains. One day there'll be nothing, the next day, there's a big wooden cabin, dogs under the porch, the whole works.
Mountain Man doesn't believe the U.S. Government has the right to collect taxes, and by Odin, he means not to pay a dime. He's got a point in some respects - as a super, he has almost no need for the services government is supposed to provide for that money - but most villains I know acknowledge the 16th Amendment, we just don't give a shit. So there you are.
He's got a lot of other ideas about who really did 9/11, the JFK assassination, and so on. He endorses a lot of the weirder theories from groups like Wavelength, like the Killclone theory and ancient astronauts seeding super-powered potential in early humans. So far he doesn't have any proof of what he says. Many people listen to him because he's a super and they think that gives him some sort of inside information. For that matter, he could totally be right about half of what he says.
Mountain Man brews his own "super-moonshine", which will probably flat-out kill a regular human being and knocks a Stage 4 on his ass. I make my own mead at home, natch, so I appreciate a guy who takes the time to account for the super-metabolism.
Overall, a great guy to know about, because he's a departure from the "wreck-it-and-run" villain you might all think you have to be. He knows what he wants, he's not afraid to get it, and he thumbs his nose at the Man the whole way.
Past
Hendricks got his powers when he was young. He was involved in an avalanche or cave-in while exploring the mountains at an early age (specifics differ, even when he tells the story). He walked out of the hills covered in rock, and didn't return to normal for two days. Since then he was on the receiving end, and later the giving, of a fair amount of bullying at school. His dad took him out and home-schooled him for the rest of his adolescence. His mother died early, from what I'm told. He has no living siblings.
Position
Mountain Man is a solo villain. He drinks a lot, he hunts, he wanders the mountains, he entertains visitors. He's friendly if you're friendly, but mostly he just does his thing all day.
He is at the center of a few online communities. He posts regularly, reads fan mail, does all that stuff. He could probably start a cult if he wanted to, but mostly he prefers politics to religion. He gets a fair amount of attention on sites like Quatloos and Libertarian-leaning forums.
Personality
Did you see an old show called "Grizzly Adams"? He's a lot like that guy. He's got a big thick beard, a big smile, and he's just generally a big guy. He acts like the big guy - always friendly, unless you push him, and then he turns super-dangerous. He's semi-immortal and he knows it, so he's living life his way.
Powers
He can merge with solid stone to armor up, and he can move or throw or shape stone. His ability to move his cabin (or anything else) through mountains is pretty much the main reason the Feds haven't been able to shut him down. Obviously he's got the usual Stage 4 power platter.
The Transhuman Capability Catalog assigns him TCC E2 - control over elemental earth.
Problems
Mountain Man doesn't have too many problems that he isn't causing himself. His strident political views are probably the major reason the Feds want him. He does make a lot of good points about government taxation of supers, and a lot of villains are on board with his views. His outlandish ideas in other areas don't always endear him to people who might be allies, but that's life.
Mountain Man
Mountain Man is the alias of Jeremiah Hendricks, tax protester and all-around weirdo. He's Stage 4 and pretty tough. His power is control of rock. He lives in a cabin surrounded by rock on all sides, and he uses his stone control powers to move it to different places around the Appalachian Mountains. One day there'll be nothing, the next day, there's a big wooden cabin, dogs under the porch, the whole works.
Mountain Man doesn't believe the U.S. Government has the right to collect taxes, and by Odin, he means not to pay a dime. He's got a point in some respects - as a super, he has almost no need for the services government is supposed to provide for that money - but most villains I know acknowledge the 16th Amendment, we just don't give a shit. So there you are.
He's got a lot of other ideas about who really did 9/11, the JFK assassination, and so on. He endorses a lot of the weirder theories from groups like Wavelength, like the Killclone theory and ancient astronauts seeding super-powered potential in early humans. So far he doesn't have any proof of what he says. Many people listen to him because he's a super and they think that gives him some sort of inside information. For that matter, he could totally be right about half of what he says.
Mountain Man brews his own "super-moonshine", which will probably flat-out kill a regular human being and knocks a Stage 4 on his ass. I make my own mead at home, natch, so I appreciate a guy who takes the time to account for the super-metabolism.
Overall, a great guy to know about, because he's a departure from the "wreck-it-and-run" villain you might all think you have to be. He knows what he wants, he's not afraid to get it, and he thumbs his nose at the Man the whole way.
Past
Hendricks got his powers when he was young. He was involved in an avalanche or cave-in while exploring the mountains at an early age (specifics differ, even when he tells the story). He walked out of the hills covered in rock, and didn't return to normal for two days. Since then he was on the receiving end, and later the giving, of a fair amount of bullying at school. His dad took him out and home-schooled him for the rest of his adolescence. His mother died early, from what I'm told. He has no living siblings.
Position
Mountain Man is a solo villain. He drinks a lot, he hunts, he wanders the mountains, he entertains visitors. He's friendly if you're friendly, but mostly he just does his thing all day.
He is at the center of a few online communities. He posts regularly, reads fan mail, does all that stuff. He could probably start a cult if he wanted to, but mostly he prefers politics to religion. He gets a fair amount of attention on sites like Quatloos and Libertarian-leaning forums.
Personality
Did you see an old show called "Grizzly Adams"? He's a lot like that guy. He's got a big thick beard, a big smile, and he's just generally a big guy. He acts like the big guy - always friendly, unless you push him, and then he turns super-dangerous. He's semi-immortal and he knows it, so he's living life his way.
Powers
He can merge with solid stone to armor up, and he can move or throw or shape stone. His ability to move his cabin (or anything else) through mountains is pretty much the main reason the Feds haven't been able to shut him down. Obviously he's got the usual Stage 4 power platter.
The Transhuman Capability Catalog assigns him TCC E2 - control over elemental earth.
Problems
Mountain Man doesn't have too many problems that he isn't causing himself. His strident political views are probably the major reason the Feds want him. He does make a lot of good points about government taxation of supers, and a lot of villains are on board with his views. His outlandish ideas in other areas don't always endear him to people who might be allies, but that's life.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Supervillains of Note: Faduma
Today's supervillain of note is Faduma, who operates out of Somalia.
Faduma
First, let's just get this out of the way. Faduma is a super-vampire queen who's building an army to be leader of her country! How cool is that?
So before any of you noobs roll up on her and start with "I vant to suck your blood", she will cut you. Seriously, don't even say that shit. I will hear about it, and then I will leave town and disappear, because she will have heard that I wrote about her and send some scary scary people after my ass. If you ever, ever, ever meet this woman - and you won't, trust me, unless you're super-awesome - be respectful.
Past
Faduma doesn't talk about her past, and neither do I. All anyone knows is the alias she uses now, which as far as I know is a reference to the story of Muhammad. Let's also be really clear. This Faduma does not claim in any way to be the historical Fatimah, it's more like a tribute. Any Muslim readers can write in to tell me more about this, I have no idea.
People in the know tell me she's either ethnic Somali or speaks Somali well enough to pass for one.
Position
Faduma is basically a warlord in the southern part of Somalia. She has several kids, a husband, and several thousand very loyal followers. There's many more people in that part of the world who listen to her, and many who fear her, but basically she's like the governor of her own state and aiming to be president.
Personality
This is one driven lady. The credible stories about her tell us that she cuts herself and literally bleeds for her people, that she's personally fed thousands and cured many of their diseases. She takes prisoners when she needs them, and kills trespassers on her land the rest of the time. She's fair, but really strict.
Faduma is well known in political circles for her repeated calls for justice. She doesn't want international aid in Somalia - just the opposite. She wants groups like the UN to get out. She intends to take over the whole country and run it fairly. She promises the rule of law, but come on, she's a freaking super-powered vampire. You think anyone's going to run in the elections against her?
Powers
Faduma is classified in the Transhuman Capability Catalog as TCC Q11, a true vampire. She's not undead (as far as we know). She's not mutated into one of the Q11 variants, which means that she's unaffected by sunlight (aside from getting sleepy) or running water or other vampire weaknesses. Not a whole lot will hurt her.
The important things to know about vampires: they are photosynthetic during the day, like a plant, and hematophagic at night, which means they can subsist on blood. They still can eat and drink, but either sunlight or blood (depending on time) is a big part of their diet. The other thing about vampires is that they can create supers by blood transfusion, because their super-mutation is still contagious and can be passed on. Faduma has created dozens, or hundreds, or maybe even thousands of loyal vampire subjects, so getting to her would be a very difficult proposition.
Problems
Personal problems first. I am absolutely sure she's screwed up in a few different ways. I mean, she cuts herself about a thousand times a day.
That aside, she's on everyone's Most Wanted list in Somalia, because she's a competitor to the existing power blocs. She's an internationally wanted terrorist for attacking UN troops and the like. Plus, she's bought everything short of a nuke from the international arms market, and I wouldn't even put that past her. So she's got lots of enemies in high places.
I don't know what's scarier to think about: that people like the CIA or the Russians have just let her go about her business without trying to take her out, or the idea that they have tried and just couldn't do it. Either way, definitely a supervillain to be aware of!
Faduma
First, let's just get this out of the way. Faduma is a super-vampire queen who's building an army to be leader of her country! How cool is that?
So before any of you noobs roll up on her and start with "I vant to suck your blood", she will cut you. Seriously, don't even say that shit. I will hear about it, and then I will leave town and disappear, because she will have heard that I wrote about her and send some scary scary people after my ass. If you ever, ever, ever meet this woman - and you won't, trust me, unless you're super-awesome - be respectful.
Past
Faduma doesn't talk about her past, and neither do I. All anyone knows is the alias she uses now, which as far as I know is a reference to the story of Muhammad. Let's also be really clear. This Faduma does not claim in any way to be the historical Fatimah, it's more like a tribute. Any Muslim readers can write in to tell me more about this, I have no idea.
People in the know tell me she's either ethnic Somali or speaks Somali well enough to pass for one.
Position
Faduma is basically a warlord in the southern part of Somalia. She has several kids, a husband, and several thousand very loyal followers. There's many more people in that part of the world who listen to her, and many who fear her, but basically she's like the governor of her own state and aiming to be president.
Personality
This is one driven lady. The credible stories about her tell us that she cuts herself and literally bleeds for her people, that she's personally fed thousands and cured many of their diseases. She takes prisoners when she needs them, and kills trespassers on her land the rest of the time. She's fair, but really strict.
Faduma is well known in political circles for her repeated calls for justice. She doesn't want international aid in Somalia - just the opposite. She wants groups like the UN to get out. She intends to take over the whole country and run it fairly. She promises the rule of law, but come on, she's a freaking super-powered vampire. You think anyone's going to run in the elections against her?
Powers
Faduma is classified in the Transhuman Capability Catalog as TCC Q11, a true vampire. She's not undead (as far as we know). She's not mutated into one of the Q11 variants, which means that she's unaffected by sunlight (aside from getting sleepy) or running water or other vampire weaknesses. Not a whole lot will hurt her.
The important things to know about vampires: they are photosynthetic during the day, like a plant, and hematophagic at night, which means they can subsist on blood. They still can eat and drink, but either sunlight or blood (depending on time) is a big part of their diet. The other thing about vampires is that they can create supers by blood transfusion, because their super-mutation is still contagious and can be passed on. Faduma has created dozens, or hundreds, or maybe even thousands of loyal vampire subjects, so getting to her would be a very difficult proposition.
Problems
Personal problems first. I am absolutely sure she's screwed up in a few different ways. I mean, she cuts herself about a thousand times a day.
That aside, she's on everyone's Most Wanted list in Somalia, because she's a competitor to the existing power blocs. She's an internationally wanted terrorist for attacking UN troops and the like. Plus, she's bought everything short of a nuke from the international arms market, and I wouldn't even put that past her. So she's got lots of enemies in high places.
I don't know what's scarier to think about: that people like the CIA or the Russians have just let her go about her business without trying to take her out, or the idea that they have tried and just couldn't do it. Either way, definitely a supervillain to be aware of!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Supervillains of Note: Saki
Welcome to a feature I call "Supervillains of Note". This will attempt to showcase villains I look up to, or at least that aspiring villains should be aware of. Over the years I've met a lot of amazing people in this field. I want to share some of their stories - without breaking any confidences, naturally.
Saki
Saki is a supervillain, ethnically Japanese. She shows up in America from time to time to annoy and harass law-and-order hero types.
Saki looks about 13. She dresses in what a Japanophile friend of mine describes as "Sweet Lolita fashion" (frilly pink dresses, bows, ruffles, parasols, the works). She speaks accented English and says "cutesy" things from time to time, but she has a temper.
Her signature power is the "megaton punch" - knocking heroes for dozens or hundreds of yards with a single blow. She acts like a walking, talking anime character, and she plays up her youth and girly appearance for all it's worth.
The thing is, Saki's an internationally wanted terrorist. She's been on the FBI's list since the 1970s, and while she can seem like a sweetheart, she's not the sugary confection she pretends to be.
Past
I'm not telling you everything I know (or have heard) about Saki's past, but it's obvious that she advanced to Stage 4 at a very early age. She's young, like "little kid" young, and all of you should know just what kind of trauma it takes to advance to Stage 3, much less 4. I feel bad for her.
Back in the '70s, she was implicated in threats to America's nuclear arsenal. She was also tied to attacks on the country's money reserves, like Fort Knox. She hasn't done anything like that since the '80s.
Position
Saki mostly works solo. She used to do team-ups in the past, back when she was wearing black tactical suits (how the hell did she get any in her size anyway?) These days she doesn't associate with other villains, except as a grandstanding outsider who will butt in on an ongoing super-battle or something.
Personality
Saki's cutesy, fluffy personality is a lot different from what she used to be like. If you read old FBI reports, you'd get the feeling that she was a stone cold killer back in the day. What she is now sort of feels fake, but it's hard to tell - mostly because her bouncing around and over-the-top temper tantrums and hugs and stuff would seem fake to anyone. Ultimately Saki is a mystery to anyone who doesn't fully know her yet. She definitely wants to play up the "kid villain" thing, though, so most in-the-know villains humor her in public. If you meet her, play along.
She hasn't killed anyone in the last 20 years, that anyone knows of. Prior to that, there were some M.P.s at Army bases and the like, but no civilians.
Powers
Saki is classified in the Transhuman Capability Catalog as TCC F5 - gravity control. Several heroes who've been punched out by her reported feeling suddenly heavier, or frozen and unable to move for a moment, so that she could wind up and hit them. Her parasol has blocked chunks of concrete, bullets, and cars, which is obviously not a normal thing. She might manipulate the Higgs field, which provides mass to objects, letting her control density and inertia.
Problems
That girl has got a screwed-up head, let me tell you. I think she's getting better, and I won't say why, but for a long time she had some serious anger issues in general and resentment issues in particular against America. I think she's working those out by bench-pressing American heroes. If you're nice to her, though, she's nice back. She can be awfully adorable when she tries.
Saki
Saki is a supervillain, ethnically Japanese. She shows up in America from time to time to annoy and harass law-and-order hero types.
Saki looks about 13. She dresses in what a Japanophile friend of mine describes as "Sweet Lolita fashion" (frilly pink dresses, bows, ruffles, parasols, the works). She speaks accented English and says "cutesy" things from time to time, but she has a temper.
Her signature power is the "megaton punch" - knocking heroes for dozens or hundreds of yards with a single blow. She acts like a walking, talking anime character, and she plays up her youth and girly appearance for all it's worth.
The thing is, Saki's an internationally wanted terrorist. She's been on the FBI's list since the 1970s, and while she can seem like a sweetheart, she's not the sugary confection she pretends to be.
Past
I'm not telling you everything I know (or have heard) about Saki's past, but it's obvious that she advanced to Stage 4 at a very early age. She's young, like "little kid" young, and all of you should know just what kind of trauma it takes to advance to Stage 3, much less 4. I feel bad for her.
Back in the '70s, she was implicated in threats to America's nuclear arsenal. She was also tied to attacks on the country's money reserves, like Fort Knox. She hasn't done anything like that since the '80s.
Position
Saki mostly works solo. She used to do team-ups in the past, back when she was wearing black tactical suits (how the hell did she get any in her size anyway?) These days she doesn't associate with other villains, except as a grandstanding outsider who will butt in on an ongoing super-battle or something.
Personality
Saki's cutesy, fluffy personality is a lot different from what she used to be like. If you read old FBI reports, you'd get the feeling that she was a stone cold killer back in the day. What she is now sort of feels fake, but it's hard to tell - mostly because her bouncing around and over-the-top temper tantrums and hugs and stuff would seem fake to anyone. Ultimately Saki is a mystery to anyone who doesn't fully know her yet. She definitely wants to play up the "kid villain" thing, though, so most in-the-know villains humor her in public. If you meet her, play along.
She hasn't killed anyone in the last 20 years, that anyone knows of. Prior to that, there were some M.P.s at Army bases and the like, but no civilians.
Powers
Saki is classified in the Transhuman Capability Catalog as TCC F5 - gravity control. Several heroes who've been punched out by her reported feeling suddenly heavier, or frozen and unable to move for a moment, so that she could wind up and hit them. Her parasol has blocked chunks of concrete, bullets, and cars, which is obviously not a normal thing. She might manipulate the Higgs field, which provides mass to objects, letting her control density and inertia.
Problems
That girl has got a screwed-up head, let me tell you. I think she's getting better, and I won't say why, but for a long time she had some serious anger issues in general and resentment issues in particular against America. I think she's working those out by bench-pressing American heroes. If you're nice to her, though, she's nice back. She can be awfully adorable when she tries.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Q&A: Communist Gorillas on the Moon edition
Today we're fielding an interesting question from "Manhattan Marauder".
What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in your time as a supervillain?
I'm actually going to let my long-time collaborator Pyrepower handle this one. Take it away, hot stuff!
---
Hi folks, Pyrepower here. Thanks to everyone who has been reading Mr. Big and writing back with awesome stuff!
The weirdest thing I've ever seen has to be Communist gorillas on the Moon. No lie, I promise you it happened.
A bunch of us got together and decided we were going to raid Apollo's house. Seriously, grabbing something from the home of the world's first public super would make us forever. We had a force-field generator called Childe and a molecular manipulator called Levin, so we thought we could make the trip into space safely. We spent a week researching zero-gravity, taking practice flights to the upper atmosphere, that sort of thing. Then we headed up.
Everyone got really excited when we reached the Lagrange point. We were halfway there! Childe and Levin were holding up okay and the rest of us were ready to deal with Apollo if he was home. We planned the raid during one of his walkabouts, but just in case, you know?
We land right at the house. Everything seems okay. Obviously the dude has no security whatsoever, he lives on the Moon so who's going to break in, right? Childe holds a bubble over the entrance while we head inside. Apollo doesn't have much but a lot of it looks like generic antique junk, so we're not sure what to take. We want something only he would have, like an old flight jacket or something.
While we're in there, Hardcase spots something on the security monitors. Apollo isn't just walking around on the surface - he's fighting! So we fiddle with the computer running the cameras to get a better look.
There's an old bald man in some kind of plastic spacesuit, with a big bubble helmet instead of those close-fitting astronaut deals. And with him are these three huge guys - or well, not really guys, because they're wearing the same thing and that means we can their heads. We look closer and they're gorillas! I am not kidding. I don't just mean Children of Lilith ugly dudes, I mean actual gorillas. Back on Earth, we went to the zoo and saw some just to be sure. Nearby we can see what looks like a big metal block. Hardcase pans the camera over that way and we see it's really some kind of rocket. It's got a hammer and sickle on it. Levin says that means it's Soviet, which is like old Russian stuff.
We look back at the old guy and the gorillas. Sure enough, their suits have a hammer and sickle on them too. We watch for awhile, because this is the coolest thing any of us have ever seen, but also obviously the weirdest, and we notice something. The gorillas aren't just fighting like animals. They team up, they surround Apollo, they take on some kind of fighting stance like martial artists do in the movies. They're actually intelligent!
Apollo finally beats them, of course, because come on, he's frigging Apollo and has been fighting Russians since like 1962 or whatever. So we hurry up and get out. We've all totally forgotten about robbing this guy, because he's clearly too cool a dude to steal from, and besides, we got something better. We got a kickass story that nobody else knows about. We even took some pictures of the security setup, so we can prove we were there.
Anyway, that's it. Communist gorillas on the Moon. Seriously, absolutely the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
---
Thanks, Pyrepower. Mr. Big is back in the saddle, and when I heard that story originally, I thought it was unbelievable. Then I saw the evidence with my own eyes. I, Mr. Big, am standing behind the story that PP told here, let's make that official.
So hopefully that answers Manhattan Marauder's question. I want to add that I'm not personally surprised by intelligent gorillas - human beings aren't the only animals to have developed the super-mutation, and I'll share some other stories like that sometime if anyone wants to hear them.
What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in your time as a supervillain?
I'm actually going to let my long-time collaborator Pyrepower handle this one. Take it away, hot stuff!
---
Hi folks, Pyrepower here. Thanks to everyone who has been reading Mr. Big and writing back with awesome stuff!
The weirdest thing I've ever seen has to be Communist gorillas on the Moon. No lie, I promise you it happened.
A bunch of us got together and decided we were going to raid Apollo's house. Seriously, grabbing something from the home of the world's first public super would make us forever. We had a force-field generator called Childe and a molecular manipulator called Levin, so we thought we could make the trip into space safely. We spent a week researching zero-gravity, taking practice flights to the upper atmosphere, that sort of thing. Then we headed up.
Everyone got really excited when we reached the Lagrange point. We were halfway there! Childe and Levin were holding up okay and the rest of us were ready to deal with Apollo if he was home. We planned the raid during one of his walkabouts, but just in case, you know?
We land right at the house. Everything seems okay. Obviously the dude has no security whatsoever, he lives on the Moon so who's going to break in, right? Childe holds a bubble over the entrance while we head inside. Apollo doesn't have much but a lot of it looks like generic antique junk, so we're not sure what to take. We want something only he would have, like an old flight jacket or something.
While we're in there, Hardcase spots something on the security monitors. Apollo isn't just walking around on the surface - he's fighting! So we fiddle with the computer running the cameras to get a better look.
There's an old bald man in some kind of plastic spacesuit, with a big bubble helmet instead of those close-fitting astronaut deals. And with him are these three huge guys - or well, not really guys, because they're wearing the same thing and that means we can their heads. We look closer and they're gorillas! I am not kidding. I don't just mean Children of Lilith ugly dudes, I mean actual gorillas. Back on Earth, we went to the zoo and saw some just to be sure. Nearby we can see what looks like a big metal block. Hardcase pans the camera over that way and we see it's really some kind of rocket. It's got a hammer and sickle on it. Levin says that means it's Soviet, which is like old Russian stuff.
We look back at the old guy and the gorillas. Sure enough, their suits have a hammer and sickle on them too. We watch for awhile, because this is the coolest thing any of us have ever seen, but also obviously the weirdest, and we notice something. The gorillas aren't just fighting like animals. They team up, they surround Apollo, they take on some kind of fighting stance like martial artists do in the movies. They're actually intelligent!
Apollo finally beats them, of course, because come on, he's frigging Apollo and has been fighting Russians since like 1962 or whatever. So we hurry up and get out. We've all totally forgotten about robbing this guy, because he's clearly too cool a dude to steal from, and besides, we got something better. We got a kickass story that nobody else knows about. We even took some pictures of the security setup, so we can prove we were there.
Anyway, that's it. Communist gorillas on the Moon. Seriously, absolutely the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
---
Thanks, Pyrepower. Mr. Big is back in the saddle, and when I heard that story originally, I thought it was unbelievable. Then I saw the evidence with my own eyes. I, Mr. Big, am standing behind the story that PP told here, let's make that official.
So hopefully that answers Manhattan Marauder's question. I want to add that I'm not personally surprised by intelligent gorillas - human beings aren't the only animals to have developed the super-mutation, and I'll share some other stories like that sometime if anyone wants to hear them.
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